


To Forgive Is Divine

by kinfic2



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:19:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4693544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinfic2/pseuds/kinfic2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To Err Is Human</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Forgive Is Divine

**Author's Note:**

> Brian's POV  
> Religious references  
> Originally posted on my LJ in 2008

_Forgive me, for I have sinned._  
  
It wasn’t in his nature to forgive.  
  
People always said or did things that were hurtful. Did it honestly matter if they were sorry after the fact? Sorry was bullshit. It was too easy. Three little words, _I am sorry_ , were supposed to make everything okay, supposed to erase the hurt? It didn’t work that way. Never did. He had the scars to prove it, emotional and physical.  
  
_Forgive them, for they know not what they do._  
  
Why shouldn’t it be the same with forgiveness? The reason someone said or did something was real. They meant it. The only reason for sorry was because the words or actions were found out. It didn’t mean the person regretted them _inside._ If they did, they wouldn’t have said or done it in the first place. He should know.  
  
_I am heartily sorry for offending you._  
  
Paradoxically, he also wasn’t one to hold a grudge. That surprised him. When he allowed himself to think about it, he came to the conclusion that grudges required too much effort, too much emotion, and while he had plenty of the first, he deliberately made sure he had none of the second.  
  
Deb often compared him to the Tin Man in the _Wizard of Oz_ —no heart and no feeling. Yet, she was sharp enough to understand, at least a little. On too many occasions, he appeared at her house to escape his life, to lock another piece of himself away. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have read him the riot act when Justin showed up on her doorstep in the pouring rain and why she never fell for his bullshit in the first place.  
  
Sometimes he wondered if he was in the middle of a fucked-up science fiction movie, where everyone could see right through him, where his secrets were on display and his true feelings could be seen by everyone like a spiteful cosmic x-ray.    
  
But no one _really_ knew him. Or so he thought. And that was the way he wanted it, the way it had to be. He wasn’t going to let history repeat itself, not if he had any power over his future. But did he? Fuck! Forgiveness? Yeah, when hell froze over.  
  
_I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of you and the pain of living without you._  
  
He knew he was a bastard. His parents drummed that into him by look, word or action. So why was it such a surprise to everyone when he lived up to expectations? Why did they look at him with such disappointment? He was being who he was.  
  
_But most of all, I hate myself because I hurt you, because you’re good and loving and the best thing that ever happened to me, and because you deserve so much better._  
  
He lived his life according to his own principles. Whether or not anyone agreed with them didn’t matter. He only had to answer to himself. If people didn’t subscribe to the Bible of Brian Kinney, fuck'em. They didn’t live his Stations of the Cross.  
  
Forgiveness, like respect, had to be earned to be accepted. Those three little words, “I am sorry” were bullshit, unless—  
  
_I firmly resolve, with your love and help, to admit I was wrong, to do whatever penance you ask of me, and to amend my life. Amen._  
  
“Justin...”


End file.
